I've been having dreams about my best friend Clint almost every night these passed couple of months, which would be innocent enough if he hadn't passed away when I was fifteen. March was always a hard month for me to deal with, considering it includes both the day of his death and his funeral so I chalked it up to nothing more than stress and suppressed feelings. But these dreams have been so real and relevant to what I've been going through as of late that I can't help but feel as if I'm having a message of some sort delivered to me.
I'll never forget the dream that I had the night before the six year mark of his death. Clint came to pick me up at my house and we drove around for hours, talking about the way my life was now... remembering, crying and laughing. But as the time got closer to drop me off the truck got colder and colder until I could see my own breath. I knew it was time for me to go home so I started crying and begging him not to leave me, if we could only have just another five minutes... if only we could turn back time and have the ending turn out differently. He turned to me and said, "Don't worry, Nick. I'll see you tomorrow." The next day -the anniversary of his death- I was strangely calm and at peace. On a day where I'm usually so fretful and an emotional wreck I was able to go to work and continue on with my life as usual. Of course I was sad, but it was nothing compared to the usual gut wrenching feeling I was usually plagued with.
I felt peaceful and accepting of the loss I had suffered and survived through, and I couldn't ask for a better gift than that. When you lose someone -especially someone that will always have such a huge piece of your heart like Clint did with me- it is the hardest lesson to learn in life. It's a lifelong process of adjusting to not having them there, to not be able to see them at school on Monday or share a stupid joke that only they will see the humour in. Even now, as a twenty one year old... six years and one month after his death I'm still grieving, I'm still adjusting but, I'm also learning. I'm learning not to be so afraid of heartache, that I forget to love. I'm learning that even though nothing lasts forever, I should be content with what I have in this moment and enjoy every second of this life I've been given. And I'm also learning that the best way to cherish that person is to remember them and hold them as close to your heart as you possibly can.
Your memory is a way of holding onto things that you love, the things that you have been and the things that you never want to lose. Until we meet again CK, love you.
